Connor definitely got Brian's memory. Not that I am super forgetful, but oh my goodness, the child remembers EVERYTHING.
Just last night we went to eat at Culvers for "all you can eat" chicken. It was a first and pretty good, but I don't need to do it again for a long time. Anyway, it is right in front of Home Depot. The last time we were at Home Depot was in early December getting Brian's snow blower. As we are pulling into the parking lot, Connor tells us he wants to ride in a car cart. (Huh??) After asking him to repeat himself a few times, if finally occurred to me that he recognized Home Depot and remembered that they have race car shopping carts. He is amazing at brand recognition too....I think he gets that one from me. :)
About 2 weeks ago we passed the Sneen's house....as we do every single time we leave the neighborhood. But this time Connor asked me if I remembered when he went to Mason's party last year (actual correct use of the phrase "last year"....he says it even if he means last night) and he helped him open his presents and he got a Lightning McQueen car. That was in July of last year and it was Mason's 1st birthday party. We have no pictures of this event that Connor has seen....it just obviously made a lasting impression.
He regularly points out where he goes to the doctor and the hospital where they took Mommy's blood. He also knows how to get to his school (YMCA) as well as where I would need to turn to go to the "big kid" school, even though to my knowledge he has never been there (Marshall Elementary). He also points out where he gets his haircut. As we were pulling into the neighborhood yesterday coming home from the YMCA, Connor pointed the direction of the clubhouse (opposite direction of our house) and said, "Mom, that is north." Well, I think it is actually south, but regardless.....what in the world?! Brian later told me he was telling him about directions the other day. So of course he just whips out his new knowledge. :)
After watching a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse about camping, Connor turned to me and asked if all the trailers were unlocked yet. Good thing I was able to figure out what he was talking about. When my parents were in town around New Years we stopped by the Roadtrek place (there are only 2 places to buy them in the country, and one happens to be about 2 miles from our house). Well, I don't remember the exact day that we went, but it was closed. Everything was locked. Connor was VERY disappointed not to get to go inside and has referenced this experience multiple times. "Camping in a camper is so fun, mom.".....we've never been camping.
The kid is random, and speaks of very off-the-wall topics on a
regular basis. I have no clue what triggers many of the comments he
makes, but they are so fun.
Oh, and he knows (and tells us randomly) that Nana & Monte D live in Georgia. Grandma & Chief live in "Ho-hi-oh". :)
And even more randomly, he calls all of his stuffed animals (primarily referencing Mickey, Donald, "Glowy" the glowworm, and "Lolly" my old baby doll his "pets". We won't tell Mitsy and Toonces (who just spent the night outside) that they've been put on the same level as Connor's life-less, stuffed companions....
He also may or may not have an imaginary friend named Jack. He's mentioned him several times, but no one named Jack goes to his school....not sure....
Friday, March 16, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
horribly horribly guilty
I just got pictures off my camera for the first time this YEAR. Oh my goodness, I've been HORRIBLE about pictures so far. And the ones that I've taken have been held captive on the camera for 3 months now!
Here is one from New Years....Happy New Year...in MARCH.
And one from January 15th....Connor in a headband...HA!
Here is one from New Years....Happy New Year...in MARCH.
And one from January 15th....Connor in a headband...HA!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Tuesday was a great day.
I'm a couple of days late with this post....but I don't really think it matters since they are only being "saved" and not published yet anyway.
Tuesday, March 13th was a great day. We'd been waiting for this day for the last 4 weeks. At my last OB appointment, Dr. Lown told us that the real test would be if the baby's heartbeat was strong enough to be heard with only a doppler. We've waited and waited to share our wonderful news until the success of this appointment.
Although the doctor said not to panic if we were unable to hear the heartbeat with just the doppler (would do an ultrasound), I'm not a big fan of ultrasounds anymore. I'm batting about 50/50 with those being positive/negative experiences.
Through several weeks or pretty extreme nausea (that I never experienced with Connor) and some very tired days (but not as bad as Connor) the symptoms seemed to get a lot better around week 9.5. Although I was thankful for the relief, it also made me a little nervous. I have been more paranoid than I thought I would be about this pregnancy & baby. I guess that is what a miscarriage will do.
I think the part that messed with my head the most is that last time, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. In my mind, I was 9 weeks pregnant. I'd known for approximately 5 woeeks and had those 5 weeks to experience pregnancy symptoms and let the excitement grow exponentially on a daily basis. Although my heart was telling me to have faith, my head kept going back to last time.
I guess one of my biggest reassurances this time around is that I am freaking huge.....to not even be in my second trimester. This does make me feel better.
At the appointment, I was calm and optimistic. I even took a leap of faith and went ahead and paid for our portion of the delivery! ($441 that isn't covered by our insurance) Brian was cool and calm too, but after I paid, he did ask me, "what happens if the baby dies?" Obviously the risks are very real for him too.
Once Dr. Lown came in and we chatted for a bit, it was time for the doppler. That was a really really long 30-45 seconds. It took him a while hunting around, but then we heard the most beautiful sound. My eyes lit up and filled with tears. 160 beats per minute. He let us listen for a little while. What a little miracle. Although Lown continued to say that he will feel much better after the end of the month, he also said that he is not worried about us or this baby at all. The 7 week ultrasound had the baby's heartbeat at 137 bpm. He told us on Tuesday that typically babies that have a heartbeat stronger than 120 beats per minute are able to sustain life and develop normally. With 160 bpm today we feel wonderful and are willing to share our news.
Although I felt a little foolish for even asking. I did ask Dr. Lown if it was even biologically possible for me to be able to feel the baby move. I only asked because on Monday night, I swear I felt him/her. It was a tiny flutter, but it was real and that was the first thing that popped into my head. But at only 10 weeks at 4 days how is it even possible. Dr. Lown said with a second baby and since I am rather "thin" he is quite confident that I did feel the baby. But asked me NOT to freak out if I don't feel it on a daily basis. No problem. That was just another little answered prayer....a little reassurance just when I needed it.
We are "telling" but since Connor and I are going "home" on the 24th and I am going to see a bunch of my college buddies in person, I want to save this little surprise. Our wonderful news will become offically facebook public after that.
The timing has also been wonderful because after a truly bizarre winter, we have bypassed spring. The temperatures were in the 80s on Wednesday...March 14th! Up to this point, I've been able to "hide" my growing bump beneath coats and jackets. Not after Wednesday. I had on as little clothing as possible and was thrilled to get a bit of a slight sunburn while Connor played outside with tons of neighborhood kiddos.
Fun times ahead. :)
Tuesday, March 13th was a great day. We'd been waiting for this day for the last 4 weeks. At my last OB appointment, Dr. Lown told us that the real test would be if the baby's heartbeat was strong enough to be heard with only a doppler. We've waited and waited to share our wonderful news until the success of this appointment.
Although the doctor said not to panic if we were unable to hear the heartbeat with just the doppler (would do an ultrasound), I'm not a big fan of ultrasounds anymore. I'm batting about 50/50 with those being positive/negative experiences.
Through several weeks or pretty extreme nausea (that I never experienced with Connor) and some very tired days (but not as bad as Connor) the symptoms seemed to get a lot better around week 9.5. Although I was thankful for the relief, it also made me a little nervous. I have been more paranoid than I thought I would be about this pregnancy & baby. I guess that is what a miscarriage will do.
I think the part that messed with my head the most is that last time, I had no reason to think that anything was wrong. In my mind, I was 9 weeks pregnant. I'd known for approximately 5 woeeks and had those 5 weeks to experience pregnancy symptoms and let the excitement grow exponentially on a daily basis. Although my heart was telling me to have faith, my head kept going back to last time.
I guess one of my biggest reassurances this time around is that I am freaking huge.....to not even be in my second trimester. This does make me feel better.
At the appointment, I was calm and optimistic. I even took a leap of faith and went ahead and paid for our portion of the delivery! ($441 that isn't covered by our insurance) Brian was cool and calm too, but after I paid, he did ask me, "what happens if the baby dies?" Obviously the risks are very real for him too.
Once Dr. Lown came in and we chatted for a bit, it was time for the doppler. That was a really really long 30-45 seconds. It took him a while hunting around, but then we heard the most beautiful sound. My eyes lit up and filled with tears. 160 beats per minute. He let us listen for a little while. What a little miracle. Although Lown continued to say that he will feel much better after the end of the month, he also said that he is not worried about us or this baby at all. The 7 week ultrasound had the baby's heartbeat at 137 bpm. He told us on Tuesday that typically babies that have a heartbeat stronger than 120 beats per minute are able to sustain life and develop normally. With 160 bpm today we feel wonderful and are willing to share our news.
Although I felt a little foolish for even asking. I did ask Dr. Lown if it was even biologically possible for me to be able to feel the baby move. I only asked because on Monday night, I swear I felt him/her. It was a tiny flutter, but it was real and that was the first thing that popped into my head. But at only 10 weeks at 4 days how is it even possible. Dr. Lown said with a second baby and since I am rather "thin" he is quite confident that I did feel the baby. But asked me NOT to freak out if I don't feel it on a daily basis. No problem. That was just another little answered prayer....a little reassurance just when I needed it.
We are "telling" but since Connor and I are going "home" on the 24th and I am going to see a bunch of my college buddies in person, I want to save this little surprise. Our wonderful news will become offically facebook public after that.
The timing has also been wonderful because after a truly bizarre winter, we have bypassed spring. The temperatures were in the 80s on Wednesday...March 14th! Up to this point, I've been able to "hide" my growing bump beneath coats and jackets. Not after Wednesday. I had on as little clothing as possible and was thrilled to get a bit of a slight sunburn while Connor played outside with tons of neighborhood kiddos.
Fun times ahead. :)
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
"All By Myself"
One of Connor's favorite stories is a part of the "Little Critter" series, specifically a story called "All By Myself". This pretty much sums up his life at this point. He wants to do everything independently.
His latest BIG accomplishments include dressing himself and ZIPPING his own coats and sweatshirts. He still hasn't decided if he likes to put his head in his shirts first or his arms. Please keep in mind that although we are extremely proud of our independent, strong-willed, determined child, this process is very time consuming and is a true test of a mother's patience. Socks are also a big challenge. If we are in a rush whatsoever, I insist that he wears short socks....long ones just take too long.
If we help at all, he gets very upset and starts over....undoing whatever we did to help. He was mad at me all the way to the YMCA yesterday taking him to school because he was putting his coat on and one of his sleeves was inside out, making it very difficult for him to do himself. Without thinking, I fixed the sleeve and put the coat back on the ground for him to put on (he does the flip method most of the time). Well, that was unacceptable behavior. He did his best to get the sleeve back inside out and proceeded to whimper and whine while I insisted that he hurry or he was going to miss breakfast with his friends. He pouted all the way to school even though in the end he did it all by himself and zipped it and everything.
Another frustrating experience was at the end of seeing The Lorax on Sunday afternoon. We went as a family and it was a good movie (although I did NOT approve of the scary previews to other movies that were before the show). Once the credits rolled, Connor put his coat on, but the lights were so dim that he was having trouble zipping his coat. The theater was emptying and although the people to the left of us could have easily walked out the other side, we felt like they were waiting on us. After at least 2 minutes (which feels like forever in this circumstance) Brian ended up carrying him out of the theater with him throwing a fit. We told him we would let him do it in the hallway, but that wasn't what he wanted. With tears streaming he successfully zipped his coat in the hall, but we definitely had "that child" as we exited the theater. Thank goodness most of the people had already left.
On a very different note, he had a double ear infection about a week and a half ago. It was so sad. He'd had an inexplicable fever the Tuesday before and on Saturday night he insisted that I sleep with him and woke up asking me to kiss his ear because it was hurting. I knew to take him to the urgent care center later that morning. Thankfully, the antibiotics work great and he was back to feeling great almost immediately. We did find out his stats: 40.5" tall and 39 lbs. The kid is like a lean lead weight....not chunky at all, but weighs a ton. None of his 3T shirts or pants are long enough anymore and now the 4T pants are looking a little high-waterish. Thank goodness warmer weather is coming and shorts and t-shirts provide a little growing wiggle room. He is also comfortably wearing a size 11 shoe....with feet that big at 3.5, the kid better be tall!! :)
His latest BIG accomplishments include dressing himself and ZIPPING his own coats and sweatshirts. He still hasn't decided if he likes to put his head in his shirts first or his arms. Please keep in mind that although we are extremely proud of our independent, strong-willed, determined child, this process is very time consuming and is a true test of a mother's patience. Socks are also a big challenge. If we are in a rush whatsoever, I insist that he wears short socks....long ones just take too long.
If we help at all, he gets very upset and starts over....undoing whatever we did to help. He was mad at me all the way to the YMCA yesterday taking him to school because he was putting his coat on and one of his sleeves was inside out, making it very difficult for him to do himself. Without thinking, I fixed the sleeve and put the coat back on the ground for him to put on (he does the flip method most of the time). Well, that was unacceptable behavior. He did his best to get the sleeve back inside out and proceeded to whimper and whine while I insisted that he hurry or he was going to miss breakfast with his friends. He pouted all the way to school even though in the end he did it all by himself and zipped it and everything.
Another frustrating experience was at the end of seeing The Lorax on Sunday afternoon. We went as a family and it was a good movie (although I did NOT approve of the scary previews to other movies that were before the show). Once the credits rolled, Connor put his coat on, but the lights were so dim that he was having trouble zipping his coat. The theater was emptying and although the people to the left of us could have easily walked out the other side, we felt like they were waiting on us. After at least 2 minutes (which feels like forever in this circumstance) Brian ended up carrying him out of the theater with him throwing a fit. We told him we would let him do it in the hallway, but that wasn't what he wanted. With tears streaming he successfully zipped his coat in the hall, but we definitely had "that child" as we exited the theater. Thank goodness most of the people had already left.
On a very different note, he had a double ear infection about a week and a half ago. It was so sad. He'd had an inexplicable fever the Tuesday before and on Saturday night he insisted that I sleep with him and woke up asking me to kiss his ear because it was hurting. I knew to take him to the urgent care center later that morning. Thankfully, the antibiotics work great and he was back to feeling great almost immediately. We did find out his stats: 40.5" tall and 39 lbs. The kid is like a lean lead weight....not chunky at all, but weighs a ton. None of his 3T shirts or pants are long enough anymore and now the 4T pants are looking a little high-waterish. Thank goodness warmer weather is coming and shorts and t-shirts provide a little growing wiggle room. He is also comfortably wearing a size 11 shoe....with feet that big at 3.5, the kid better be tall!! :)
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Glitter Box
I can't remember the surrounding conversation, but yesterday Connor told Brian and I that Mitsy uses a "glitter box". I asked if he said "litter box". His response, "Yes, mom, she uses a glitter box."
Oh the visual of an actual glitter box....love that little man.
Oh the visual of an actual glitter box....love that little man.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Our First Look.
A most beautiful sight.
(I thought we were supposed to be able to hear it too, but I can't...)
(I thought we were supposed to be able to hear it too, but I can't...)
Our little miracle at 7 weeks.
The sonogram pictures aren't great. I think this is for 2 reasons. 1) This was primarily a reassurance ultrasound after our miscarriage. The only real point was to hear a strong heartbeat, so it is way early. My first ultrasound with Connor was at 9 weeks. 2 weeks makes a big difference in a fetus. 2) She only used the wand on top of my belly, so that is why I think they are less clear and a bit blurry. But that is okay we got to see and hear what we so desperately wanted to see.
The sonogram pictures aren't great. I think this is for 2 reasons. 1) This was primarily a reassurance ultrasound after our miscarriage. The only real point was to hear a strong heartbeat, so it is way early. My first ultrasound with Connor was at 9 weeks. 2 weeks makes a big difference in a fetus. 2) She only used the wand on top of my belly, so that is why I think they are less clear and a bit blurry. But that is okay we got to see and hear what we so desperately wanted to see.
Perhaps these two pictures from babycenter.com will help a bit.
 |
| The baby is about the size of a blueberry. |
 |
| Arms & legs look more like paddles and there is still a definite tail. |
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
1st appointment
I had my first doctor's appointment for our little peanut. According to my calculations, I should be 6 weeks, 5 days. I did bloodwork a couple weeks ago. Connor actually LOVED that....referencing for days that the hospital took all of mommy's blood. Not, "all" of it, kiddo. :)
Anyway.
My results came back and all of my hormone levels looked GREAT! I was specifically concerned with the progesterone level (one they did NOT check in August/September before the miscarriage).
Today, Dr. Lown told me that just based on my levels alone that my risk of another miscarriage drops from 30% down to 10%. (YAY!) Since Dr. L is one of Brian's doctors, we have a little more than the normal doctor/patient relationship. He came in and gave me a big hug of congratulations and then asked how I was feeling.
I answered honestly, "Nauseous & exhausted." He said that was WONDERFUL. I realize that it is a good sign for the growth of the baby which is ultimately all that matters to me, but this whole nausea thing is new to me. I didn't have much of it with Connor and I definitely never threw up. I threw up this morning... The worst nausea yet set in at about 12:30 am and I wish I had forced myself to throw up then...perhaps I would have felt better. Instead, I just sucked it up and remained essentially awake until 6:00 when the nausea was so extreme (for me) that I did throw up. After brushing my teeth I went to sleep for 2 more hours.
Connor was late for school.
Dr. Lown also said that just based on feeling my uterus, he said it felt like I was about 8 weeks. That is obviously ahead of what the calendar is saying, but we'll find out for sure when I go in for the first ultrasound in 2 DAYS! Thursday, 11:15 am. I feel really good about this pregnancy....but I thought that last time too. However, I guess the nausea does make me "feel" a little better....while also making me feel a ton worse. I just can't wait to hear that little heartbeat....
Anyway.
My results came back and all of my hormone levels looked GREAT! I was specifically concerned with the progesterone level (one they did NOT check in August/September before the miscarriage).
Today, Dr. Lown told me that just based on my levels alone that my risk of another miscarriage drops from 30% down to 10%. (YAY!) Since Dr. L is one of Brian's doctors, we have a little more than the normal doctor/patient relationship. He came in and gave me a big hug of congratulations and then asked how I was feeling.
I answered honestly, "Nauseous & exhausted." He said that was WONDERFUL. I realize that it is a good sign for the growth of the baby which is ultimately all that matters to me, but this whole nausea thing is new to me. I didn't have much of it with Connor and I definitely never threw up. I threw up this morning... The worst nausea yet set in at about 12:30 am and I wish I had forced myself to throw up then...perhaps I would have felt better. Instead, I just sucked it up and remained essentially awake until 6:00 when the nausea was so extreme (for me) that I did throw up. After brushing my teeth I went to sleep for 2 more hours.
Connor was late for school.
Dr. Lown also said that just based on feeling my uterus, he said it felt like I was about 8 weeks. That is obviously ahead of what the calendar is saying, but we'll find out for sure when I go in for the first ultrasound in 2 DAYS! Thursday, 11:15 am. I feel really good about this pregnancy....but I thought that last time too. However, I guess the nausea does make me "feel" a little better....while also making me feel a ton worse. I just can't wait to hear that little heartbeat....
Thursday, February 2, 2012
our baby story
It has been a long 2+ years. While we have enjoyed [almost] every second of it with our little man, Connor, that is also how long we have been trying to add to our family. The struggle was a big surprise as it took no effort at all to get pregnant with Connor. I will not go into our full story, but the bottom line is that both Brian and I have "issues". It was after a year of monthly disappointment that we found this out. It was devastating. Connor was/is a miracle child and the chances of us having another baby on our own was about 2%.
Really? What happened? How could a couple go from getting pregnant without even trying to being essentially infertile?! What do we do now? What steps are we willing to take to have another baby?
Without going into many details, I clung to a promise that God gave me in high school for being obedient. "Your childREN will be greatly blessed." Although I have a solid relationship with God and I believe he "speaks" to us all in different ways, I have never been more confident of a direct promise that was given to me. It was not an audible sound, it might as well have been. At 17, I knew I wanted to be a mother and that is all I needed to hear to remain obedient to His plan.
You have no idea how much I have clung to those words in the last 26 months. I honestly never doubted that there would be another baby....I just had no idea when it would be. Brian and I always just assumed that we would have children about 2 years apart. That was OUR plan. For the first time in my life, my plan and God's plan for me/us have not been in alignment. It was a pretty tough pill to swallow. All I could do was cling to His promise to me. Of course there were tough days filled with doubt and thinking about how much we wanted Connor to experience being a big brother and to have a sibling throughout life.
Then there is the struggle of fertility assistance. How far should we go? I wasn't keen on IVF. I feel that it is a wonderful tool for some people, but we just weren't at that point. However, the doctors told us that it might be the only way. Seriously? How could they say that while I was holding living proof that we COULD have a baby on our own. It is called "secondary infertility" and is way more common than you would think. We are not alone. I assumed, as many others do that if you have one baby, then you could have 5 if you wanted. This is not the case. There is not a specific medical cause, it just happens. At the fertility center that we went to in Grand Rapids, 25% of the patients already have a child. I will never look at an only child the same way again. I always just thought it was because the parents only wanted one....
We decided that I would take an ovulation boosting medicine (Femara) and we would do an IUI (intrauterine insemination). We did this for 2 months. Didn't work. On the second one, I just knew it wasn't going to work before I even left the office. From an optimist, that is saying a lot. We took a break. I had one dose of Femara left and I just held onto it. The doctors told us that the next step for us would be for me to take a lot more hormones and try it again. I wasn't ready for that. (This is all in the late winter/spring of 2011.)
Without the medicine, my body/cycle was very unpredictable. Although a weird thing to pray, I asked God to tell me when to take my last dose. My "sign" was a 42 day cycle in June. I took my last dose of Femara the following month.
To my amazement and absolute delight, about 23 days into the next cycle, I just knew I was pregnant. I was so confident and yet terrified to take a test. (I even bought Connor a "Big Brother" shirt.) Sure enough, that super early morning test when I was only 2 days "late" confirmed what I already knew....I was pregnant! With tears streaming down my face, I crawled back into bed to tell Brian the good news. What a wonderful day.
I popped out in a hurry, and the pregnancy insomnia was almost immediate. (I had completely forgotten about that part from when I was pregnant with Connor.) I felt good, and I was ecstatic. We were going to be seeing both of our families in person soon, so we wanted to be strong and wait to tell them ourselves. I was about 7+ weeks along when my parents found out and about 8+ when Brian's parents found out. What an incredibly tough secret to keep, but it was also very fun getting to do it in person. As I said, I felt good and I couldn't believe how much my belly had already popped out. I've heard you "show" faster with the second baby, but sheesh! We were so excited about our ultrasound at 9 weeks.
That day was not so fun. It was a Thursday. In my mind I was exactly nine weeks. As soon as the wand was placed on my belly, I knew it wasn't good. I vividly remember what my early ultrasound was like with Connor and about how big he was (the pictures is actually still hanging in his room). This baby did not look like that. There was actually a struggle to find anything at all. And then she found it. It was tiny. Measuring at a little less than 6 weeks. She continued to look around and then we heard, "there's another one". Oh my goodness....TWINS! However, I couldn't get passed the knot in my stomach about the size of the baby. Although I hate it, my first thought when I heard there were 2 was "maybe this one will be bigger". I was very confident of my "dates" and these just did not match up. The ultrasound technician left the room. Of course I had tears streaming down my face. I was trying to be hopeful, but I already knew. These little ones weren't going to make it. Why?! Why would God torture me like this?! I had no signs that anything was wrong and I just knew that these babies were such a God-thing....why would he take them away? Especially after wanting them for so long?! Thursday was the hardest. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wrote out a message to those that knew I was pregnant asking for prayers and filling them in on what was going on. I couldn't talk without crying, so I just didn't talk. However, I was still Connor's mom and I didn't want to scare him or make him worry. THANK GOD for our little miracle baby. His hugs and kisses sure did make me feel better during that incredibly difficult time. My follow-up ultrasound confirmed what we already knew and I had to induce the miscarriage with medicine to speed the process up (early September). Although not a fun experience at all, I was glad I didn't have to have a D&C.
Each day that went by, my body and my heart healed. We were also given some "good" news that I clung to. My OBGYN told us that they aren't sure why, but that the pregnancy rate following a miscarriage is significantly higher than normal....regardless of a woman's history. Good. We hoped to be back in his office very soon. I still don't pretend to understand God's will and I don't pretend to like it, but deep down, I know He is in control of our best interests. That, I accept and hold dear even when it doesn't make any sense to me.
3 months went by. No luck. I really wanted to get pregnant "on our own"....without any medicine. Although the miscarriage was devastating, we learned 2 things. We didn't HAVE to go to the fertility center to get pregnant and we were indeed still capable of making a baby....even if the chances are super slim. I was impatient and asked for another dose of Femara (this time from my normal OB). I took it. It didn't work. I have no definitive reason why, but I just didn't get the next month's refill filled. I honestly can't tell you why. Looking back I think it was partial laziness and partially I just wanted to see if my body was all out of whack again like it was pre-miscarriage.
It is not. :)
Day 28 was on Thursday. Of course this only matters if my cycle was actually "regular". I hate day 28. Until day 28, 29, 30, I am extremely hopeful. Maybe this will be the month?? Then, just as it has happened for so many months in the last 26, I start. Both ways are devastating, but I just don't take pregnancy tests. I would rather "start" on my own than look at a negative pregnancy test. Brian doesn't really understand this philosophy. I just don't like giving up the hope I have for that month. I swore I wouldn't take a test until I was a whole week late....especially if I hadn't taken any medicine.
Brian went to Arizona to see his brother on Friday. I still hadn't started. He asked me when I was going to take a test. I told him Sunday....even this was earlier than a normal plan for me. I had a lot of "signs" that I was going to start at any moment. But I never did. Some neighborhood friends were planning on coming over for a craft night at my house that night. This usually involves a lot of crafting and enjoying some good wine as well. The girls were coming over at 7:00. At about 5:30, I started to panic a little bit and decided on a whim that I would take a test. I didn't want to drink irresponsibly if I actually WAS pregnant. And if it was negative, I could get wasted....well, that wouldn't be responsible (and not my style) but you know what I mean. I took the test. And left the bathroom. I got Connor in his jammies and we picked up all of his cars. This is seriously the first time that I have not stood over the test to watch it work.
I went back into the bathroom to see.
Really? What happened? How could a couple go from getting pregnant without even trying to being essentially infertile?! What do we do now? What steps are we willing to take to have another baby?
Without going into many details, I clung to a promise that God gave me in high school for being obedient. "Your childREN will be greatly blessed." Although I have a solid relationship with God and I believe he "speaks" to us all in different ways, I have never been more confident of a direct promise that was given to me. It was not an audible sound, it might as well have been. At 17, I knew I wanted to be a mother and that is all I needed to hear to remain obedient to His plan.
You have no idea how much I have clung to those words in the last 26 months. I honestly never doubted that there would be another baby....I just had no idea when it would be. Brian and I always just assumed that we would have children about 2 years apart. That was OUR plan. For the first time in my life, my plan and God's plan for me/us have not been in alignment. It was a pretty tough pill to swallow. All I could do was cling to His promise to me. Of course there were tough days filled with doubt and thinking about how much we wanted Connor to experience being a big brother and to have a sibling throughout life.
Then there is the struggle of fertility assistance. How far should we go? I wasn't keen on IVF. I feel that it is a wonderful tool for some people, but we just weren't at that point. However, the doctors told us that it might be the only way. Seriously? How could they say that while I was holding living proof that we COULD have a baby on our own. It is called "secondary infertility" and is way more common than you would think. We are not alone. I assumed, as many others do that if you have one baby, then you could have 5 if you wanted. This is not the case. There is not a specific medical cause, it just happens. At the fertility center that we went to in Grand Rapids, 25% of the patients already have a child. I will never look at an only child the same way again. I always just thought it was because the parents only wanted one....
We decided that I would take an ovulation boosting medicine (Femara) and we would do an IUI (intrauterine insemination). We did this for 2 months. Didn't work. On the second one, I just knew it wasn't going to work before I even left the office. From an optimist, that is saying a lot. We took a break. I had one dose of Femara left and I just held onto it. The doctors told us that the next step for us would be for me to take a lot more hormones and try it again. I wasn't ready for that. (This is all in the late winter/spring of 2011.)
Without the medicine, my body/cycle was very unpredictable. Although a weird thing to pray, I asked God to tell me when to take my last dose. My "sign" was a 42 day cycle in June. I took my last dose of Femara the following month.
To my amazement and absolute delight, about 23 days into the next cycle, I just knew I was pregnant. I was so confident and yet terrified to take a test. (I even bought Connor a "Big Brother" shirt.) Sure enough, that super early morning test when I was only 2 days "late" confirmed what I already knew....I was pregnant! With tears streaming down my face, I crawled back into bed to tell Brian the good news. What a wonderful day.
I popped out in a hurry, and the pregnancy insomnia was almost immediate. (I had completely forgotten about that part from when I was pregnant with Connor.) I felt good, and I was ecstatic. We were going to be seeing both of our families in person soon, so we wanted to be strong and wait to tell them ourselves. I was about 7+ weeks along when my parents found out and about 8+ when Brian's parents found out. What an incredibly tough secret to keep, but it was also very fun getting to do it in person. As I said, I felt good and I couldn't believe how much my belly had already popped out. I've heard you "show" faster with the second baby, but sheesh! We were so excited about our ultrasound at 9 weeks.
That day was not so fun. It was a Thursday. In my mind I was exactly nine weeks. As soon as the wand was placed on my belly, I knew it wasn't good. I vividly remember what my early ultrasound was like with Connor and about how big he was (the pictures is actually still hanging in his room). This baby did not look like that. There was actually a struggle to find anything at all. And then she found it. It was tiny. Measuring at a little less than 6 weeks. She continued to look around and then we heard, "there's another one". Oh my goodness....TWINS! However, I couldn't get passed the knot in my stomach about the size of the baby. Although I hate it, my first thought when I heard there were 2 was "maybe this one will be bigger". I was very confident of my "dates" and these just did not match up. The ultrasound technician left the room. Of course I had tears streaming down my face. I was trying to be hopeful, but I already knew. These little ones weren't going to make it. Why?! Why would God torture me like this?! I had no signs that anything was wrong and I just knew that these babies were such a God-thing....why would he take them away? Especially after wanting them for so long?! Thursday was the hardest. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I wrote out a message to those that knew I was pregnant asking for prayers and filling them in on what was going on. I couldn't talk without crying, so I just didn't talk. However, I was still Connor's mom and I didn't want to scare him or make him worry. THANK GOD for our little miracle baby. His hugs and kisses sure did make me feel better during that incredibly difficult time. My follow-up ultrasound confirmed what we already knew and I had to induce the miscarriage with medicine to speed the process up (early September). Although not a fun experience at all, I was glad I didn't have to have a D&C.
Each day that went by, my body and my heart healed. We were also given some "good" news that I clung to. My OBGYN told us that they aren't sure why, but that the pregnancy rate following a miscarriage is significantly higher than normal....regardless of a woman's history. Good. We hoped to be back in his office very soon. I still don't pretend to understand God's will and I don't pretend to like it, but deep down, I know He is in control of our best interests. That, I accept and hold dear even when it doesn't make any sense to me.
3 months went by. No luck. I really wanted to get pregnant "on our own"....without any medicine. Although the miscarriage was devastating, we learned 2 things. We didn't HAVE to go to the fertility center to get pregnant and we were indeed still capable of making a baby....even if the chances are super slim. I was impatient and asked for another dose of Femara (this time from my normal OB). I took it. It didn't work. I have no definitive reason why, but I just didn't get the next month's refill filled. I honestly can't tell you why. Looking back I think it was partial laziness and partially I just wanted to see if my body was all out of whack again like it was pre-miscarriage.
It is not. :)
Day 28 was on Thursday. Of course this only matters if my cycle was actually "regular". I hate day 28. Until day 28, 29, 30, I am extremely hopeful. Maybe this will be the month?? Then, just as it has happened for so many months in the last 26, I start. Both ways are devastating, but I just don't take pregnancy tests. I would rather "start" on my own than look at a negative pregnancy test. Brian doesn't really understand this philosophy. I just don't like giving up the hope I have for that month. I swore I wouldn't take a test until I was a whole week late....especially if I hadn't taken any medicine.
Brian went to Arizona to see his brother on Friday. I still hadn't started. He asked me when I was going to take a test. I told him Sunday....even this was earlier than a normal plan for me. I had a lot of "signs" that I was going to start at any moment. But I never did. Some neighborhood friends were planning on coming over for a craft night at my house that night. This usually involves a lot of crafting and enjoying some good wine as well. The girls were coming over at 7:00. At about 5:30, I started to panic a little bit and decided on a whim that I would take a test. I didn't want to drink irresponsibly if I actually WAS pregnant. And if it was negative, I could get wasted....well, that wouldn't be responsible (and not my style) but you know what I mean. I took the test. And left the bathroom. I got Connor in his jammies and we picked up all of his cars. This is seriously the first time that I have not stood over the test to watch it work.
I went back into the bathroom to see.
Oh my goodness. Pure elation. I ran back into the living room/kitchen (can't remember) and I scooped Connor up. My eyes were weepy and he asked me if I was okay. I told him I was great and SO HAPPY. He proceeded to run around in my delight as well. I did not tell him exactly what I was so happy about, but he didn't care. He was just happy to be happy! A few minutes later, we sat down together in the middle of the kitchen floor and prayed. We always pray together before bed, but this was special. I thanked God for miracles and asked for protection and growth. Dear God, PLEASE let this one "stick".
I called Brian knowing that he was still in mid-air on the way to Arizona. I sent him a text, "Call Me."
Several days prior to this, Brian found and consumed a stash of Valentine M&Ms that I bought to display in a canister. He ate WAY more than I wanted him to and I was beyond irritated. I have gotten mad at this sort of thing before, but even more my my reaction was a bit extreme.
I just couldn't wait to tell him. Text message is pretty impersonal, but I wanted to tell him in some sort of "cute" way without just saying "it is positive". So, I wrote him a text...."Now you know not to take a pregnant girl's portion of chocolate."
He got it. Super excited. He sat in front of Screech (Dustin Diamond) on the plane, got this awesome news, got to meet Grady Sizemore and hung out with his brother in Arizona.....pretty much one of the best weekends ever for him. :)
I called the doctor's office on Monday and am scheduled for my first appointment on Valentine's Day. I should be 2 days shy of 7 weeks at that point. They called in prescription prenatal vitamins for me and I need to stop by the hospital today to do bloodwork. I have done all of these things before. There is a fine line between being super optimistic and also very cautious. I'm very hopeful because we got pregnant all on our own....no medical intervention whatsoever. Maybe my body couldn't handle twins (much more likely when taking a medicine like Femara or Clomid) or maybe it didn't make enough hormone by itself if I took the meds? Who knows. I don't really care. I just hope and pray that this one "sticks"....that this is the baby that God chose just for us and chose us to be his/her parents.
Because we are being so cautious, we are only telling immediate family. Our parents and siblings know our fabulous news. (And I told my friends that came over on Friday.....because I was so excited and because I am going out on a Girl's Night Out this Saturday and I am going to need their help hiding/faking the fact that I will not be drinking. In my hood, if I don't drink anything, they will KNOW for sure. I am not a lush at all....but that is just a sure give away.) The other day, I went ahead and put some of the week markers into my calendar. It just so happens that my week marker is on a Thursday, just like it was back in August. As I put in the first few weeks in the calendar. It came to my attention that on what would have been my due date, March 29, I hope to be 13 weeks pregnant. My hope and prayer is that this day will be bittersweet: bitter because I mourn the loss of the twin babies that were not meant to be, and super sweet because I will be far enough along with this sweet bundle that it is "safe" to shout our wonderful news from the rooftops.
The insomnia is back in full force, but other than that, I feel really good. I hate to say it, but I'm actually hoping for some symptoms just so I know that everything is okay and that the little one is doing good....
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