Seeing HIM.....a little honesty, too.

We could not have asked for our ultrasound and follow-up appointment to have gone any better yesterday morning.
Within moments of placing the wand on my belly, the ultrasound technician spun the screen around and it became quite clear that we are having a baby BOY! Talk about a "money" shot right off the bat!

She then proceeded to do all her checks and measurements for the next 45 minutes. I drank fully caffeinated coffee yesterday morning hoping that he would move around for her (unlike his big brother at his 20 week ultrasound!). It worked great and he checked out wonderfully. Then it was time for the "fun" shots and he pretty much refused to give us a good profile picture. We have an amazing one of Connor that shows his little nose just as it is today. Maybe next time. We do have a couple of 3D pictures that we did not have with Connor. Of course we think he is adorable, but honestly a little alien-like still, too.

Following that appointment, I had my normal appt. with Dr. Lown. We had to wait a while, but that allowed us to notify a couple of folks via text from the waiting room. We wanted Connor to tell our parents and he was staying at the Wiggerman's house playing with Berkley, Cooper & Dawson until we were finished.

Dr. Lown said he couldn't be more pleased and was glad I finally gained some weight...what?! I've gained 10 lbs. That is fine with me and honestly, since my fluid levels were so low by the end of my pregnancy with Connor, I'd actually like to gain a few more if that means that my fluid levels are better and safer for this little guy. (I gained 31 with Connor.)

Dr. Lown also mentioned that Metro (where ——— will be born) was overflowing with babies right now. He said all the postpardum rooms were full and they had 4 women pushing! Metro is a smaller hospital and right by our house....seriously, less than 3-4 minutes away. As soon as he was finished with me, we saw him literally run out of the office to go deliver a baby! Fun stuff!

We picked up Connor and told him the good news. He was excited and then something weird happened in the car about 5 minutes later. I'm not sure exactly what it had to do with, but we glanced back and he was very sad and subdued. He just said he didn't want to talk. Okay. Of course as soon as Brian told him that he could pick a special gift for his new baby brother AND one for himself he perked right up.

I wanted to try out a different Italian place for lunch and carbo-loaded and told our parents over lunch. :) Then we went to Meijer to find a toy. Not much luck there but Target had a "Chase" Rescue Bot that Connor selected for himself and we a little aid from us, a "on the go" Gentle Giraffe that plays soothing sounds for his not-yet-born brother.

Now for the honesty part.

I hate crying. I really dislike being "pooly" and yet my eyes are still puffy from a late afternoon of tears. I especially hate crying on a wonderful day that we found out we are having a healthy baby boy! I truly am absolutely ecstatic and so so thankful for the many many blessings we have been given. Throughout my pregnancy when people asked me if I wanted a boy or a girl, I could say with great honesty that I didn't care. That is and was true. Health, especially after knowing many that have experienced children with health problems and scares was and is the most important thing to me.

However, it looks like I've been crying because I'm sad or disappointed. I am NOT. Connor is going to be an adorable big brother and I KNOW that this baby is going to bring us so much happiness and joy....an absolute gift from God.

With that said (and hopefully understood), I spent some time yesterday afternoon relinquishing ideas that have been in my head since I was a little girl. See, we are likely "done" having kiddos after this sweet baby comes along. I'm not going to say anything definitely, but I've always thought that I would only have 2...regardless of sex. I don't believe in having another baby simply to "try" for a specific sex. Perhaps I will want 3 baby boys of my own in the future, but right now I need to see how it is with the 2 that I've been given. :) Anyway, I just needed to shed a few tears about not having tea parties or going to an American Girl store or even watching Annie and other "girly" movies with a daughter of my own. I will likely never plan a wedding or pick out a prom dress or talk about boys, get our nails done, or spend hours coloring at my kitchen table.  All of this is okay. I just needed to shed a few tears embrace my reality. I never think I had my life "planned" and I am not disappointed in what God knows is best for me and my family. I honestly think that at some level, any woman that is "girly" at all (and I am not too extreme on that spectrum) would have feelings like this if given a houseful of boys. I just don't think many people admit it or talk about it. There is a fear that it will be viewed as disappointment. I'm hoping that my honesty is not misunderstood this way. It is not something that I want to talk about, but I likely will get teary again, and as I've said, I really hate crying.

I never ever want this little baby to think that he was "supposed" to be a girl. HE IS NOT! I am so excited and proud of the baby boy that he already is, the boy that he will become, and the man that he will turn into. I am looking forward to being the "queen" of my own castle and will hopefully have 2 boys that adore their mom. :) I am already praying for wonderful daughter-in-laws that most importantly make my boys happy, but hopefully will also embrace their mom and let me do girl stuff with them. However, in the meantime I am really looking forward to being a mom of little boys! Dirt, sports, bugs, boo-boos, super heroes, plaid shorts, crocs, tan little summer bodies and LOTS of energy.

The bottom line is that I think that one of the greatest gifts (in addition to our children of course) is not getting to choose. I find great comfort in knowing that God has given us exactly what we can handle and exactly what our family needs.....a precious baby boy. We really could not be more excited about the newest member of our family and we can't wait to meet him at the end of September!

The shot we got the second she put the wand on my belly!

Precious little face.

he had his arms crossed and near his face a lot

I believe that is a foot....not sure though..

sort of a whole body shot...sort of...can't see much of the legs

hiding from us again

The best "profile" shot we got...little bugger!

By the way, I would expect fathers with a houseful of girls to go through a similar "grieving" process. I'm sure I'm not the only one.... :)
I'm also, SO GLAD we found out his gender now. I'm thankful that we got our surprise yesterday instead of on his birthday. When he is born, I will have already processed everything and will experience pure joy...with a few touches of pain thrown in...that's okay, he's worth it. :)

———

Little buddy, (we'll figure out your name soon, I hope)

I love you so much already and I am so glad that you are going to be our son. You are fearfully and wonderfully made just exactly as you are supposed to be and you are exactly what I wanted! I can't wait to hold you, hug you and shower you with kisses. Your big brother, Connor is so excited and told us yesterday that he wants to teach you how to crawl and play rough with you! He loves you already. I hope that you guys will be wonderful friends and compliment one another with your likenesses and differences. Daddy is so excited to have another little guy in the house and maybe even another golfing buddy! I can only hope that you are as happy that we are your parents as we are that you are our son.

I treasure our time together right now, as I feel you moving around in my belly. As much as I want to meet you, stay in there for another 20 weeks or so to "cook" a little longer. By then, I promise your room will be ready. I'm already having fun deciding how to decorate just with you in mind.

Love you forever,
Mommy